Soccer Dropout

Adidas Soccer Balls
Originally uploaded by hyku

The only team sport I ever played was soccer. I remember my first team (The Fireballs) and my second (The Gum Drops). I was never any good. I always played fullback and I remember doing cartwheels in the grass while the other girls fought over the ball.

"Look alive!" the couch would shout when the ball got near me. I'd make some half-hearted effort to defend the goal. That wasn't the point. I remember my parents at all of my games. I remember drinking Gatorade at half time with my friends. And I remember having fun.

Annabella is five now, which means that we let her decide what activities she wants to do. Back in the Spring when it was time to sign up for soccer, I asked her if she was interested and she said yes. It wasn't an emphatic "yes" and I'm pretty sure she had very little idea of what soccer was, but she did say yes.

When it came time for the first practice last week, she wasn't interested. At first, I told her "too bad, you said you were interested in playing, so we're going." When we got there she wouldn't go onto the field no matter how hard those sweet dad couches tried to convince her. She's stubborn, just like her parents.

I know I'm not the only parent who has faced this dilemma. Do we force our kids to do activities to teach them not to be quitters (and because, let's be honest here, we've already shelled out the cash)? Or do we let them make their own decisions because forcing them to participate in any activity will suck all the fun right out of it?

Comments

[Kyle Dutton]

She hasn't had her first game, has she? The uniform, the cheers, the competition, the team celebration, the special activity after the game...all that might spark her interest. No one likes practice.

[woodenmask]

I know up front that I'm totally in the minority here, but I'm not much of a fan at all of team sports. If my son decides he really, REALLY wants to play a sport, I'd probably honor that, but if he opted out like Anabella, I think I'd be really relieved.
There are a LOT of other activities in your area that she can participate in and have just as much fun.
Think of the money you spent on soccer as one of those toys that we shell out a lot of money for that our kids never play with.

[Brian Olesky]

Soccer was your only team sport? Hmm, you look like the type who also might've run cross country in high school.

[debinsf]

This is one of the most difficult issues for me, as a parent. Is the more important lesson sticking with something, even though it's not your most favorite thing, or letting kids do what they want to do with their recreational activities? We've gone both ways on different occasions. Though we haven't been in the situation of Max not wanting to do something before the first practice (or class or whatever...). We've made compromises with him that he try until the first game so he really knows what it's all about before he makes a final decision.

For me, it'd probably be worth letting the money go and having her play next year, or whenever she decides she wants to, (maybe next sport?) rather than have her decide that soccer is this terrible thing that adults make you do, even though you don't want to.

[Megan]

Dear Dad (aka Brian Olesky),

You're right! I did run cross country in high school. That's not a team sport where you depend on other team members. You might remember that I was also on the swim team when I was little and I threw the shot put in junior high.

Dear Everyone Else,
I forgot to mention that what I also remember about soccer was that whenever any of the girls got hurt, my dad would jokingly yell from the sidelines, "Play with pain!" He thought he was hilarious.

Thanks for reading,
Megan

[Richard]

It's a tough one but if it would be my kid, I would let her play for at least a couple of weeks. I wouldn't want to raise a kid that thinks it's okay to drop out of something after the first week. That's sounds cold maybe especially since she is so young but I rather have a kid that thinks about decisions and the consequences compared to raising a kid who doesn't think about the consequences of a decision.

In the end she might like it after all or at least it will be a good learning lesson. Obviously I would not sign her up again for a new season if she is not going to enjoy playing soccer.

[Bri]

I've been reading Jumping Monkeys for quite some time, though I've never commented before.

it sounds like a great time to talk about compromise. Ask her to stick with it and try to enjoy it for an agreed-upon period of time. If after that she still doesn't want to, then, after all, in my opinion it is her recreational time, which is about having fun. You can't force fun no matter how hard you try.

If the "yes" wasn't very enthusiastic, that would have set off warning bells for me. Time to take a soccer ball to the park with friends and see if she really enjoys it first. Being a kid is about discovering the things you will spend the rest of your life enjoying.

I believe we as a society use the label "quitter" far too often, trying to apply our workaholic sensibilities to every situation. You, as a parent, made a commitment, financially and mentally, for her to play soccer. I doubt she made that same commitment. Is she still a "quitter" if she decides not to play?

[Jen]

My parents let me quit skating when I asked to. Deep down, I was scared of the recital and would have stuck it out longer, maybe, with encouragement.

[Barbara]

Wow, I was in this same situation this year and last year. My 5 year old was sure this year he did want to play soccer after refusing to play last year. Again though, he stood there and cried and refused to play and after several attemps, 3-4 weeks, I gave up. It was supposed to be fun and him crying for an hour on the sidelines was no fun for anyone. He's just not into team things, he is starting to have an interest in golf though. I've bought two $45 tee shirts, I'm done with soccer.

[Don]

I'll one up you -- my son was signed up for soccer and one week prior to the game we got a call that his team was gone because nobody would step up and coach. This is Under 6 soccer, my son was 5 at the time. I got the big puppy eyes from my wife, and boom I am now a soccer coach. Know little to nothing of the sport. Well, comes time for practice and the game, you guessed it, my little boy whom I was doing this for wouldn't step on the field. Oh I got him out there a few times, but not much. Now it's time for new signups for the fall, ask him if he wants to play, "Oh yeah !, and Daddy is the coach !!!" -- 8 little people (all 5 or under) who have never played the game looking to me as their introduction to organized sport. Erf !

[Ruth H]

Well, it's the old one again. I hate to see every little kid coerced into playing sports. To paraphrase, "they also serve who only like to sit home and read a book." I wonder if the Stepford wives started out having to be on a team and play a game. Let her do as she wants when it comes to team sports. Let her have an old fashioned childhood, Games were fun, pickup games in my day. We had recess, we played games, running games, burning off energy but it was before the time of the intensive games today's youngsters have to play to be someone. Please listen to your child this time.

[Erin]

I agree with the comments to give it a few weeks and a game. I played t-ball as a kid; I have a picture of me playing 'catch' with my glove in right field. I don't remember being forced or coerced. I remember picking it over Girl Scouts/ Brownies. I ended up playing slow and fast pitch softball through college and actually slow pitched till I was 4 months pregnant. While I agree with Ruth H. comment about pick up games when we were kids: times are different. It's not often that parents let kids roam to the empty field to play. We have become tea-cup/helicopter parents preventing our kids from doing the cool stuff we got to do as kids: fort building in the woods, riding bikes free in the neighborhood, and walking to the penny candy store with a group of friends (I'm 31 and I did grow up in a small town that had a penny candy store. Totally rocked!) No matter which road you take, Annabella will bring it up with her therapist someday. Darned if you do, darned if you don't.

[Jan]

My feelings on this are a lot like Richard's (above). You asked her if she wanted to play soccer and she gave you a lukewarm yes. Did you tell her it would test her commitment, that you were going to spend lots of money and it would be her responsibility to see that it wasn't wasted, and that it would be a valuable experience and serve her well in later life? Of course not, who hammers a 5-year-old with that, right? So, although all that was going through your mind, from her point of view, you just asked her if she wanted to play on the soccer team and her tepid response might have been predictive of her response on practice day.

I know it's important for kids to learn responsibility and follow-through, but maybe 5 is a little young for a lot of kids to absorb that particular lesson on a such long-term follow-through. Maybe let it go for this season, and ask her again next time when she'll have the perspective of what happened this time. If she says no next season or says yes but then changes her mind again, then that might be the end of it until/unless SHE comes to YOU and asks for it some other time.

It's just soccer; there are so many other ways she'll be learning responsibility, follow-through, and cooperation as she grows.

[Bridget]

I agree with the comments that recommend making her go to the practices and the first game and going from there. After one practice, it's hard to gauge whether it was a bad day, she doesn't like the sport, she didn't like the coach, other kids, whatever. Get more specific feedback from her and if she really wants to quit later, you might have her tell the coach herself -- as a lesson in responsibility kinda. Maybe that's too grown up to ask (my kids are 2 and 3 so I'm guessing at the maturity of the a 5 year old). I think you should make her understand that she shouldn't just quit without giving it a fair shot, and if she does quit, she needs to tell the coach because, as a team sport, it's affecting more than just her. By making her talk to the coach (of course, you could be there) puts some of the responsibility on her and makes it more of a choice than a "dropout." If you feel that it's important that she do something like this you could also give her some options -- tell her that she can quit soccer, but she needs to choose another activity (swimming, dance, art, whatever) -- that might be more suited to her interests. It kinda depends on why she wants to quit -- if it's because practice is the same time as "Dora" or something like that, I'd tell tough cookies. But if it's legitimate, it seems like your mommy instinct will tell you what is best for her.

[John]

We've gone through this many times. Ethan, my 5 year old, is very shy like me and often spends the first practice without leaving my side. But we stuck with it and he really enjoys soccer, t-ball, ice hockey, roller hockey, basketball, and now football. Sounds like we're sports obsessive, but we're not. We let him pick and we support, don't push.

My tips
1) Don't be the parent that threatens and harasses. Sometimes they want to play, sometimes they don't.
2) Be excited. I can't believe the parents that are grumpy and don't understand why their kids hate going to soccer.
3) Participate. If your kid doesn't want to play with the team, bring your own ball and play on the side.
4) Play at home. Especially for the oldest child, have them teach the younger siblings.

The important thing is to emphasize the fun and help make it fun for them. The first 6 weeks of ice hockey were miserable. Ethan just didn't want to be on the ice. But I joked with him, cheered him up and slowly he spent a little more time on the ice each practice. I NEVER yelled, never got angry. I watched what the coach was teaching and we did it at home on the driveway. Suddenly he went from "Drive slower dad, I don't want to go to practice" to "Drive faster, I don't want to be late". A shocking, but of so rewarding transformation.

Also be willing to accept that sometimes they just don't like something. Their mood changes from week to week, sport to sport. Forget the registration costs, it's not worth the struggle if they just don't like it.

I’ ve heard every excuse under the sun (and some probably from above it) and seen them all disproven, from school violence prevention (a girl almost got killed in a fight once in my school… both she and the attacker wore school uniforms) to enhanced academic performance (I’ ve been in both advanced and mainstream courses this year… both the same things I took in other grades– from second to ninth grade) and cost efficiency (I knew a girl who didn’ t even have her own pair of shoes, she borrowed them. You can...