Unhappy Camper

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

These are perhaps the eight most frightening words that a mother can hear at preschool pick-up.

I heard these words on Monday from the teacher at the week-long "camp" at a local preschool where we'd enrolled Milo and Huck. (Their regular preschool is closed in the summer.)

The camp goes from 9 AM until 2 PM, which is two hours longer than their regular preschool. And even though they've been much better around other kids lately, I was worried that my boys might get overtired and misbehave. I tried to explain this to the teacher when I had dropped them off, but things were a bit chaotic and as I talked to her I could see from her face that she saw me as just another mother who was giving her too much unecessary information about her children.

Huck said, "Mommy, go now," and ran off to play. I watched the group of children gathered around a pile of toys and suddenly I realized that there was a reason that Milo and Huck thrived in the ultra-organized Montessori school they attended. This was not their scene.

Against my better judgement, I turned and went home.

Thankfully, no one was hurt. The teacher reported that Milo put a hula hoop around another child and pulled him down. On the walk home, I asked Milo why he did this and Huck answered, "Milo didn't do that. I did!"

"I don't know what the rules are where they go to school," the teacher also said, "But here they have to listen to us. They can't run away when we're talking to them and if they do they'll get time outs. They both got a lot of time outs."

I realized later that the teacher was probably implying that lax rules at their school were to blame to avoid implying that it was my own parenting skills that were to blame. Still, it seemed like a strange thing to say. What preschool functions without those kinds of basic rules?

She went on to say that she would have to call me to pick them up if they continued to act that way, even though they'd "never" had to do that since the preschool opened.

The next day they returned and during drop off I assured the teacher that we'd had many discussions about listening to the teacher and following the rules. And when Marco picked them up in the afternoon, the teacher said nothing to him. Then on Wednesday I got a call about halfway through the day from the teacher asking me to come pick up Huck. He was having a "bad morning" and most recently had thrown sand in another boy's face and then run away from the teachers.

All day I felt a combination of sadness, embarrassment, failure, and most of all fear that there is something really wrong with my child, beyond just being three.

And then late that afternoon I stopped by the library to find that my copy of Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka had finally come in. I'm only a few chapters in, but already I feel so much better. Kurcinka describes spirited children as "normal, but 'more'".  They have difficulty with transitions, are sensitive to light, and are often loud. Check. Check. Check.

If you've been following along, you know that I've already seen the temperament specialist. Kurcinka talks alot about how there's nothing that a parent can do to change a child's temperament, but there are things a parent can do to make things easier. In retrospect, camp probably wasn't a good idea for either of my boys. The environment was too unstable, the transition too abrupt.

Both boys went back to camp today and the teacher said that Huck had a "much better" today. We'll take them back tomorrow too and after that I think we'll all (especially the teachers) breathe a sigh of relief to know that we'll never be back there again.

Comments

[Eugene H.]

That book is wonderful. I also found myself checking off most of the list of traits with our oldest daughter, who is now 5.5 years old.

At one point I also contemplated painting the words Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic on our hallway wall.

Hang in there! Not everything they do is a parenting failure, although sometimes it feels that way. And just think, isn't life that much more interesting because of how they are?

[Miki in Japan]

First, let me tell you I am a big fan of your podcast! It is very informative and really entertaining!!
Life can be challenging with kids, can't it? I have two of my own
(5 and 20 months) and I have twin nieces, but I feel for you with twin boys!! I teach twin boys at my english school (they are in the 4th grade) and they are totally tight! But I can imagine that they were a little like your boys are when they were little!
Boys throw things. Rocks, sand, toys. Don't be embarrassed! Just think to yourself, 'It is in their DNA' They will grow up and a little sand in a classmates eye won't kill them! Teach them what you can, and then just hope that the phase will pass!
Good luck!!

[Jen]

I'm a teacher w/ 11 years experience(MA in Early Childhood btw)& now a mom to a 13 mo. old Ben. Even assuming they had been THAT bad, though what you are describing is pretty normal for the situation, they are handling things poorly. What exactly were they doing to help Milo & Huck & prevent misbehavior? Sending a child home like this teaches nothing. It's the teacher who should learn how to behave better towards children & parents. All schools should be organized and have thoughtful & realistic rules.

Good for you for sticking to your guts & taking them out.

[janel]

Hi Megan,
I have been dealing with similar issues with my 4 now 5 year old and his preschool teacher recommended "Setting limits with your strong willed child" by Robert MacKenzie which was much better than the other book handed to my by the lead teacher called "Dealing with your difficult child". I guess it's all in the words! Anyway, after reading Kurcinka's books and this book, I realized that our strategies dealing with the behavior were pretty much reinforcing it. Things can still get a little crazy, but it is definitely a bit easier to deal with and understand after reading these books.

[Robyn]

I can so relate to this post. I too have a three-year-old boy, and I struggle every day to discern whether his behavior is abnormal or just part of being three. When he was a baby, so many people told me that age three (rather than the often beleaguered terrible twos) is the hardest age. I didn't believe them until about a month after my son turned three. Now I completely agree.

[Nikki Massaro Kauffman]

Megan,

I was a teacher for five years in the public school system. Though I admit, I did not teach preschoolers, I think that sending children home is not the answer.

My three-year-old boy is also a head-ache for his teachers. So was his sister at that age. He runs around the room, climbs, spits and says "no". She was respectful, but bit other children. The same preschool teachers that worked with me for her, lose patience on him. My daughter is now routinely bullied by another little girl in her school-aged room.

Why do we tolerate the hurtful behavior by little girls, but crack down on disruptive behavior of little boys? Doesn't it just escalate or just encourage the boys by giving them more attention or frustrate them more?

I'm wondering if rather than being sent home, they really need more socialization, not less (i.e. being sent home), but with structured activity. Sending them home or doing anything that specifically calls attention to the bad behavior may be just what they want, to control the room (being the center of attention). My son does this as well.

I could, of course, be way off base, but I've seen this behavior in my little guy when there is an unstructured activity and he wants to shift the focus of attention. He'll do whatever he can, good or bad, to get it back on him.

[Megan]

Thanks so much to everyone for your expert feedback. This week the kids are back to their normal routine and I think Marco and I are both more consious of how the boys are affected by the change in routines.

[PG]

I'm no educator, but I have to agree with the comments above... Sending kids home for what you describe seems like a total cop out by the teachers and staff.

I am sure you are doing a great job Megan, don't take the bullet on this one.

[Erin]

As the mom of a "spirited" 4-year-old, i feel your pain. (and joy at finding out they are not bad or crazy and i haven't done something wrong as a mom!) I have read that book and it is awesome! :) You are a great mom and doing a wonderful job. :)

[Paul]

Our oldest, now almost 16, was very "Spirited" up until about 13. He is now a mature young man so be patient and just love them. Sounds like you and Marco are doing a fine job.

[H,Bos]

I came acroos this blog twice looking for "aquatic apes". I am a great-grandfather and have seen a few "misbehaving children" and have memories of having been one.
Your honest to Earth comments sound familiar this in relation to one of my granddaughters, a jewel in my eyes yet not everyone sees it that way!
Consulting books may solve your problem but pre-schoolers do not read these too often and it is their problem!
I once was a fibrant child but was skillfully subdued and after that slithered through youth and adult life!
Finding out late that Einstein has had similar experiences did not ease the pain.
My advice is; learn from grown up problem kids "sardines in a can",and be prepared for the real sqeeze when the hormones kick-in. Are we sheltering them or our own feelings?
Their behaviour is not out of place on the beach!(aquatic traits)
Teach them the difference,and let them choose, only then will they be fine in your eyes as well as their own.
After all we are born as aquatic, ready for swimmming and do take a while to adjust entering dry land!
Grrrrrr
regards from an aquatic