Tiny Little Racist

We live in a town where not many African Americans live. In my opinion, that's the worst thing about living in most small towns. Our town is very white, but still the man who checked us out at Costco yesterday was not the first black person that nearly 5-year-old Annabella has ever seen.

It was, however, the first time she chose to loudly ask me, "Mommy, why does that man have brown skin?"

When she asked the question, I was already pushing the cart away and I didn't see if the checker heard and I didn't look back. But there were several people pushing their carts toward the exit with me and I could tell they were all listening intently to my somewhat fumbled response. Marco was pushing the boys in the other cart behind us and also letting me field this question on my own.

ME: He has brown skin for the same reason you have the color of skin that you have. Because you were born that way.

ANNABELLA: I would not want to be born with brown skin. Or black skin.

ME: Why not? Brown and black skin is pretty. Just like your skin is pretty.

(She thinks about this for a minute. This might have satisfied her, but it doesn't satisfy me so I continue for her benefit and maybe to convince the people walking next to us that I am not trying to raise a tiny little racist.)

ME: Next year you will probably have kids with brown skin in your kindergarten class. (Sadly, every member of her preschool class is now white.)

ANNABELLA: Really?

ME: Really?

ANNABELLA: Well, if that's true then I'm not going to be friends with them. Because I don't like people with brown skin.

ME: What?

(I think my mouth dropped open so wide that my bottom lip hit the grocery cart.)

ME: Why?

ANNABELLA: Because they have short hair.

ME: All people with brown skin don't have short hair. You know that book we have at home, Uncle Jed's Barbershop? The girl in that book has long hair. 

And that's about the time that Marco stopped laughing under his breath at my efforts to apply logic to what was clearly Annabella just being contrary for the sake of being contrary and stepped in to put his many years of school-sponsored diversity training to work. He explained that being friends with someone has nothing to do with what they look like. He pointed out that his skin was a lot darker than her skin and that her brothers' skin was even darker. Then he asked how she would feel if he didn't like her just because she had blue eyes.

Annabella considered this as we finished unloading the cart and strapped the kids into their car seats. 

I wanted an epiphany. I wanted her to announce, "You're so right. I love all people for who they are no matter what they look like." Instead we were in the car headed home and moving on to other things. 

Comments

[TheMacMommy]

Well, you could always just do what my parents did when we were young. Host a "Fresh Air Child." (I'm kidding about the method, but serious about my experience.) Back in the late 70s & early 80s there was a "Fresh Air Child" program in which my parents participated. Actually, I just looked it up, looks like it's still around: http://www.freshair.org/default.asp

When I was about 8, my sister 6, we hosted a young girl from NYC. She was very, very black and had a very, very wild imagination. I think she was closer to 10. She was a very nice and grateful little girl, but came from a very unfortunate set of circumstances. Both her brother and father were killed by knife and we think she may have witnessed it. She spent a couple of weeks in our home and we did everything with her as a family. She called my parents Mom & Dad. We ate a lot of watermelon and chicken because my silly Mom didn't know any better and thought that's what she would like. I'll never forget the looks from people at the shore when she would run up to my Dad screaming Daddy Daddy!! and he would give her piggy back rides. We found it amusing.

She taught us a lot about how even though kids have different colored skin, we're all just kids and play and have fun just the same. I'll also never forget how she messed with my sister and my "white naivity" and I convinced us that black people have green blood. One day she fell and skinned her knee while we were rollerskating on our sidewalk. You never saw two little white girls run so fast to see if she was bleeding so we could see if she really did have green blood!

The lesson we learned is that even though we may have different colored skin on the outside, we're still the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood when we're hurt, cry the same kind of tears when we're sad and a hug from a friend makes us all feel better.

My sister and I were sad to say goodbye to her when she got to the bus stop. We watched as she greeted her younger sister. Then we watched as they each threatened to kill each other over the gifts they had received from their host parents. We all got in the car and went home. Maybe just her little sister has green blood?

[Ruth H]

Oh dear!! The truth is that children are born with that tribal mentality we all try to overcome. That is one reason we have so many "diversity" problems. They start out focusing on their mother's face and are imprinted with it as the ideal. Then we spend the rest of our time trying to overcome that. The faces she sees the most are her families. She probably doesn't think of herself as the "blue eyed one" she probably thinks of herself as being more like her siblings, because after all , how often does she see herself as others see her? She sees her brothers and parents and thinks of herself as being one of "them."
On how to overcome the black feelings she has, I don't know what I would do. Getting to know someone who is not in a book would the first start. We all know books and TV are idealized so they don't reflect reality.

[Marcy AKA simplysilly]

oh megan! I so empathize with you. You handled it well. I don't know what I would have done either but am in the same situation living in a small town. Though Brighton does experience a lot of diversity in his preschool because it's an outlying area from a college town. ((hugs to you))) and I don't think your daughter will become a little racist :)

[Brandi Schall]

I am so surprised my 4-year-old has never brought up the skin-color question. We are white and live in a surprisingly diverse area in Utah. I gear up for the questions every time we go to the store or library or Dr. office, but she hasn't asked yet, though I can see her noticing the differences internally.

I think your husband is right, she was just being contrary for the sake of being contrary. Kids are naturally accepting and loving, but they are smart and can recognize when someone looks different. They aren't born with tact though! Good job on handling that publicly!

[Leanne Bruno]

Hi Megan! I just wanted to thank you for being so real and willing to express the sense of helplessness and inability that, for me, marks a lot of my experience of parenting my three daughters. Obviously, race is a complex issue that our culture struggles to address appropriately. I think you handled it well, too, and I appreciate your clear expression of the uneasiness that comes with these kinds of parenting dilemmas. I can relate!

[Laura]

My son is 5 1/2 and skin color has never been an issue or anything he has ever expressed an interest in discussing. I am not sure if it is because we live in an extremely diverse neighborhood in Queens, NY and he has always had friends of different colors or because he and I are different colors. I am white (he says I am pink) and he and his father are brown.

I grew up in Bklyn, NY amidst much diversity like my son so I have never given it much thought either. We may be moving to SoCal soon though so you have gotten me thinking about it.

[debinsf]

We live in city that's diverse and yet, not. Max was born with some friends who looked different from him, but not too many. Then his preschool was more mixed and his public elementary is pretty all-inclusive of the folks we have in town. He still wondered why some of the kids had brown skin, but we treated it like you - everyone looks different and we are friends with who we like, not who we look like. That was a-ok for a while. Then he came home with the equally offensive fake gang-sign, hip-hop affect saying, "Mommy, I'm cool like the brown teenagers". I had to try very hard not to say "sweety, your a skinny, kinda geeky, white jewish kid. Not that cool. You've got zero chance of cool on either side of your family." But I let it go. He can have his dreams. I love him no matter.

[Rasheed]

As a relatively young black male, I've been trying to understand how racism has been so prevalent for pretty much my entire life. My general and simplest conclusion is that the majority of institutional racism occurs passively. I could probably write all week about this. Before I jump too far off-course, let me ask has anyone taken a proactive approach to discussing skin color or race issues with their young children (black parents not excluded)? If not, why?

The following is why I can't subscribe exclusively to TheMacMommy's logic. I think there may be more. http://youtube.titleurl.com/2007/08/13/black-doll-white-doll

[K]

I bet she'll have a completely different view/opinion when she starts school and meets and befriends all different kinds of people.

My experience has been that kids are NOT racist. They need to be taught that way of thinking.

Any my daughter didn't like anyone with short hair for a while, either!

We do the "Big Sister" program, and our "little" is African American. My kids think of her as another just member of our family (one who only hangs out with us on Saturday afteroons...) At this point, I don't think they even notice the color difference.

[TheMacMommy]

Hi, I just wanted to clarify to Rasheed that I think he may have misread the names of those who posted comments. I believe he may have inadvertently referenced me (TheMacMommy) as posting the comment made by Ruth H. I can see where he may have thought my name was associated with that comment since my name appears before the top of the comment block that actually belongs to Ruth H. My comment appears ABOVE my name, not below it. I don't have a problem with the comment made by Ruth H. however, I just wanted to be sure credit is given where credit is due. I was merely providing an anecdote whereas Ruth H. was proposing a 'Logic' as he refered to it.

Thank you to Rasheed for providing the link to that video. That was a real eye opener!

[Toby]

a lady that i know who lives in a town in pennsylvania without many black people once told me a story about how she was in a similar situation. i believe she was checking out in a grocery store and there was a black lady in front of her and her four year old daughter said "look mommy, that lady is made of chocolate"

and she said she was sooo embarrassed, hehe

i think it is just natural curiosity and learning about the world. imagine if you were 4 years old or so and you saw someone with blue skin all of a sudden. you'd probably ask, why does he have blue skin?

[Kathy Hassanein]

I have 2 (white) boys, currently aged 1 and 3, and I'm genuinely in need of some guidance here. Is there a "right" way to go about dealing with race? When Rasheed suggests that we proactively deal with the race issue, I'm on board, but what am I supposed to say? How do I bring it up without highlighting the issue?

[Samuel]

I'm a single father of two and I can relate to your story, but with a slight twist. We live in St. Louis, MO and it's quite diverse. However, one thing about the Midwest is the high number of excessively overweight people that live here. Recently my four year old daughter has started pointing to larger people and loudly proclaiming "She's/He's fat!"
Needless to say, we keep having conversations about politeness and how everyone is special in their own way.

I also wanted to say I love your podcast. Is there any hope that you and Leo might have any interviews planned geared for single dads?

[Rasheed]

@TheMacMommy: Sorry, MacMommy, for pinning that one on you. I'm also not completely discounting the idea, I just think there are other influences.
@Kathy Hassanein: I would definitely never tell you what you should do with your kids, but I don't have a problem highlighting race. My son told me I was white around three years old. We had our first discussion then. I mean, I didn't tell him about the movement or anything, just an intro. I think he should know and obviously respect other races. When he gets older, I'm gonna tell him that the concept of race is nonsense. But, for now (or at least then) I thought it was important to know.

[Vin]

Up front I must say I'm white and without any children. I also grew up in a town in southern NY where the school was all of European descent. I would have thought it would have been better if instead of being embarrassed and walking away that you answered the question there on the spot. I would hope that the man at the check-out would have been understanding of the situation and maybe support you in your response. I have been rather embarrassed house my high school classmates responded when it was learned "There is now a black family attending school here." When it would have been nice if their race wasn't a factor.

I will add that racism is often taught on the playground not by adults but by other children. There was a "game" my friends and I were taught at a young age. As we got older and learned about the word used in the game that we then stopped doing it without being told. I'll be P.C. and just mention it ued the N-bomb. I'll also say that I'm disgusted every time I here it being used today on my local college campus.

[Megan]

Thanks so much to everyone for your thoughtful comments and discussion. I agree that it's hard to be proactive about teaching race without focusing too much on the fact that people are different before kids even notice that they're different.

[Hmmmm]

"We live in a town where not many African Americans live. In my opinion, that's the worst thing about living in most small towns. Our town is very white"

As a white person, why do I seem to find those 2 sentences offensive? As if there's something wrong with being white in today's society? So, if I was living in your town and you passed me up, you'd go "ugh ... another white person ..."??

SO move to Compton (or the like) if you want to live around African Americans. What's stopping ya?