No More Obligaparties
Me: I'm going to figure out a way for Annabella to go because I have a problem not taking her to birthday parties that she's invited to.
Wise Mom Friend: Have you ever heard her mention the kid who's party it is?
Me: No
Wise Mom Friend: Did the mom invite the whole class?
Me: Yes.
Wise Mom Friend: So, the mom feels obligated to invite the whole class, even though she really doesn't want to and then you feel obligated to go, even though you really don't want to. Now that's just silly.
Me: I know!
Wise Mom Friend: If I've never heard my daughter talk about the kid who's birthday it is, then we always RSVP "no."
Me: Wow. Can I do that?
Wise Mom Friend: Yes, yes you can.
YAY for you and your wise mom friend!
My little one is still in preschool and we RSVP no to every party unless the family is close friends of ours. I don't know what it's like up where you are, but here in SF, preschool parties are off the charts - people spend over $1000 for a party! I hardly even remember my birthday parties from when I was under 6. Cake? Check. Presents? Check. Anything else? No idea.
For my older one, we seem to have entered the "you don't have to invite everybody" zone (though I still do, because he's now at the point where he feels bad when he doesn't get invited). We go when we can or when he loves the kid, but we say no sometimes, too. He still has tons of friends.
I hope hopping off the obligaparty train helps and makes your weekends more sane!
Posted by: debinsf | October 13, 2007 at 07:31 AM
You are very bleessed to have such a wise Mom friend! I'm on the east coast in Georgia, and my daughter had many invites such as those. She only went to the parties of classmates she liked, and those she invited to her birthday party. She has grown up to be a well adjusted 20 yr old ( well, as normal as an emerging adult can be! ) Good work, Megan! Love the blog!!!!
Posted by: Laura | October 13, 2007 at 06:08 PM
We're lucky that M only has 3 classmates, so we aren't overloaded with parties. But I'm going to file this info away for future use.
Am I the only mom too scared to do the big party? M hasn't had a friend party yet, only family parties and a special treat for her friends at school (it's allowed). I use the fact that her birthday is close to a travel holiday as a reason not to, but the reality is that I don't get all the hoopla that ppl do--destination parties with huge party favors for giant crowds you hardly know.
Posted by: Jean | October 13, 2007 at 06:29 PM
oh yeah! you can rsvp no to a party! your friend has a good point! if you're daughter has not talked about the class mate and if you are unsure of who this classmate is, you should feel ok about skipping it!!
Posted by: jenn | October 13, 2007 at 09:01 PM
The important thing is the RSVP! So far we average about 50% of the class won't RSVP at all and not show up.
QUESTION - Do parents drop kids off at these parties and leave? We've had this happen a few times now and find it the strangest thing.
Posted by: John | October 14, 2007 at 03:27 PM
YES!!!! And then glory hallelujah you don't have to go buy a gift or bring home more useless party favors!!!
Posted by: ann | October 14, 2007 at 07:07 PM
With my oldest, by about 3rd grade, we started birthday "trips" instead of parties. We let him invite one or maybe 2 friends, we go to the activity/locale of their choice (aquarium, science center, auto show - depends on the kid!), and we treat them to an inexpensive meal (not McDonald's, but not a 5 star either!) and perhaps a small souvenir. I don't spend any more than I would have if I had a big class party, etc., and much less hectic, plus we get to spend the day together!
My youngest so far hasn't caught on to the "friends" portion of the event - she always wants to invite aunts, grandmothers, our adult friends, etc. - but that's fun too - we don't always take the time we should with them!
Posted by: mar | October 15, 2007 at 02:21 PM
Love the term you coined here. We are a few weeks away from Julian's bday, and I'm following the rule of thumb, one kid per year. He'll be three, so he's having three friends. Since they all have younger sibs and two parents, I figure that's already sixteen humans at my house (including my foursome) and that's enough.
I'm not judging those who have big parties, invite everyone at the preschool. I assume it's for the parent's pleasure and if that's what they want to do, great. We are usually happy to attend, and if we're busy or, often for a 4 year old the party is during our naptime, we decline. I have no problem not reciprocating invitations. Same went for wedding invites when that was our stage of life.
Posted by: RookieMom Whitney | October 16, 2007 at 09:27 AM
We had the reverse problem for our youngest son. He was born early February. So he hadn't yet met or made any friends in his kindergarten class.
So we bit the bullet and invited the whole class. It was a good way to meet all the parents and kids in one hit.
A lot of work doing it this way but it made a fun occasion.
We've limited invites for our eldest to just his friends. Most parents seem to doing that so obligaparties are few and far between.
BTW we've found it pretty common to drop and go. Although we only do it if we're familiar with the parents hosting.
Posted by: Andrew | October 28, 2007 at 10:35 PM
Used this term a couple weeks ago for the first time when I was explaining to my wife why I thought we should RSVP with a 'no' to an invite my 5 year old brought home.
Used it later in the week when speaking to my Mom (a mother of 7) just chatting about what was new. She complimented me for being so wise.
jumpingmonkeys.com: makes you look smart in the eyes of your mother!
Posted by: Pat Glennon | November 06, 2007 at 12:55 PM