Extraordinary

Grandpa is in the hospital again. Just like last time they are using phrases that I do not like.

DNR.

Hospice.

Extraordinary Measures. As in, they don't think they should take any.

They mentioned hospice over a year and a half ago. And if I think of all the memories we've had since then, all the stories he's told us, it makes me angry at them. I want to bring them all the pictures I've taken since they last told us that he was going to die. Look. Here he is at the koi pond, laughing as the kids throw bread at the turtles. Here we are out for dinner at a Family Style Italian restaurant for my birthday. There he is toasting champagne at my cousin's engagement party. 

They don't know my grandpa.

When we visit him in the hospital on the first day he is pale, but seems in good spirits. "Did you go to school today?" He asks Annabella. The kids tickle his toes and squeeze his hands. When we leave he says, as if he's just spent the day pulling weeds in his garden or walking a few miles on the beach, "I'm going to sleep well tonight."

Over the next week, we visit Grandpa every day. Some days are better than others. He gets a blood transfusion, a colonoscopy. They find nothing wrong. We sit by his bed and hold his hand and listen to story after story.

One day, in the car on the way home, Annabella says "I am going to really hate it when daddy is that old. And when he's that old Mimi is going to be really, really, really, really, really old." Mimi is what she calls my mom, my grandfather's oldest daughter. At the next stoplight I look in the rearview mirror and watch Annabella. She is processing everything.

On Friday night after the kids are in bed I go to the hospital so my parents and my aunt and uncle can take a break and go out to dinner. It is the first time I've been alone with grandpa since I can remember. He talks about his mother, who died of a blood clot when he was only thirteen. He talks of his sister Elsie, who had only a semester left at Skidmore, but came home to take care of the family and never went back. When my parents finish dinner they come back to the hospital.

"Meg's here," my grandfather says, "and she's taking everything down."

On Sunday when we visit he is sitting up in a chair eating lasagna. The sun is pouring through his hospital room window. We know he's feeling better because after a few minutes he says, "I appreciate you coming to visit, but I'd really rather you were out playing in the park."

Comments

[Lisa]

I love your Grandpa. He is pretty damn awesome :)

[Yolanda]

Vivid. Beautiful. Thank you for bringing us along.

[Mindi]

He sounds like a lovely man.

Makes me remember my grandpa. Thank you.

[jenn]

i have gone through some similar experiences with my grandmother recently. it is tough to hear the language of the hospital - they make it seem so matter of fact when all i feel like telling them is "but that's my grandma!"

it is such a blessing for your children and your grandfather to have time to spend with each other. i know that my grandma always brightens at the sight of my kids... i can imagine the smile on your grandfather's face. thank you for sharing

[Melissa]

Aw. Megan, thanks for sharing this with us. It makes me remember my Grandfather as well. (Hard to write with tears in my eyes) My Grandfather passed in 2003 of Alzheimer's and I remember it was very draining on everyone because it seemed like so many times they told us those things saying he only had so long, etc. We didn't know if we were coming or going. You are absolutely right, they DO NOT know you're Grandpa, but luckily you DO. When they told me he had 2 days left, I laughed and said, he'll give you 3...and he did. There were times when I went to visit with him and it was just the 2 of us and I would trim his mustache and clean his face and feed him. He was unable to speak at the time (advanced Parkinson's) but he didn't have to. I could hear everything he needed to tell me by looking into his eyes. Thanks was enough.

Grandpas are so cool. Towards the end for my Grandfather it was increasingly difficult when he no longer recognized people and he got more and more confused. Luckily for me, he always knew who I was and sometimes I secretly believed that he was pulling everyone's leg most of the time. (you would have to understand how annoying some of my family members can be) At one point they asked him a series of questions to try and gauge his mental capacity like what year is it and who is the President. My mother reported to me at one point how confused they said he was and told me the questions they asked him. She said that at one point they said "Tony, do you know why you're here?" His response was "Because I'm pregnant." And I said to my mother who was so stressed "And you took that answer seriously?!!!" Come on! Confused, my ass! He knows exactly what he's saying.

So, hang in there. Grandpa knows what he's doing even when it seems like no one else does.

[debinsf]

Your grandfather sounds like a rare soul. I love when you write about him. I imagine it must be tough for you and your family, but you all seem so lucky to have each other. A lovely bunch.

[Jean]

Thank you for sharing a very personal but beautiful piece of your life. My dad has been in and out of the hospital a lot since my son was born. The only one talking about DNR is my dad, he made sure I have a copy of his directive, and this last time he gave a copy to the hospital. That was a couple of weeks ago, and I just found out yesterday we're heading back. "Just for the day" they say. I'm scared. All my grandparents are gone, and my mom died in '89.

You know they won't be with you forever, but that doesn't mean you're ready today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. Or . . .

[Ruth H]

Megan,
Don't let them write him off prematurely. I am 71, well, will be on the 25th. I was in the hospital for 12 days this summer in San Antonio 150 miles from home. They were determined to find something really drastic in me. I had low kidney function, low liver function, and extremely enlarged lymph nodes. This was a very good research hospital. They immediately started an IV antibiotic, and ran a huge series of tests including exploratory surgery. They could not find any disease causing the problems, which cleared up while I was in there. After I recovered from the hospital stay I was, and am, feeling fine. Blood work is very good, etc. etc. My personal physician says that unless something else shows up it can be blamed on my cholesterol medication, Vytorin.
I do not know you Grandpa's history, he is probably under the care of his own physcian, I wasn't, but do not let them give up on him.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Ruth

[Annie]

Go Grandpa!

[Al]

I hope your grandfather recovers enough to leave the hospital and enjoy more good days with family. He may have quite a few good days ahead.My father(86 yrs. old} has been quite sick the last few months. One time we were told he might not live the night. He is now in a nursing home(his choice)and is quite happy.In fact, more than once when I was visiting he"threw me out" so he could go hang out with his buddies.He seems to be tired of taking care of himself and is very content to let professionals care for him. His spirits are quite high and all he thinks about is going to his next meal when at home I could barely get him to eat at all. I do agree with you about that DNR paperwork. It is pretty sad to think about, as is the alternative.

[Nikki]

Megan,

Thank you for sharing your Grandpa and memories with us. As depressing as it is, when he's ready, he'll know. My dad passed away in 1998 after a 2 - 3 year battle with colon cancer. Unfortunately, every step of his treatment was a maintenance, we knew that he was never going to get better and it was all about making him comfortable and going forward as best as possible. Even with that diagnosis, it was still the 2 or 3 years that we had. Dad knew when the time came and even then he had his own way about things. He was in hospice for about a week. On a Friday night the nurse said not to expect him to make it to the morning. He decided he wanted to be there until Sunday morning until Mom told him it was ok to go. As unsettling as it is to think of hospice, I do recommend it when the time comes. It really does allow the family to be there with the person in the comforts of home without the interference of nurses, doctors and the hospital atmosphere. It really is about making the person comfortable but it goes beyond physically.

My husband and I wish you and your family the best!

[Jane]

Thank you for sharing your grandfather's story with us. Yes, Hospice is great, they know how to make everyone (patient and family) comfortable.

[Bob]

Hey Megan. Here's to more days of joy with your Grandpa. Do you know the book The Hello Goodbye Window. Beautiful illustrations and great story about the value of grandparents.
http://www.amazon.com/Hello-Goodbye-Window-Norton-Juster/dp/0786809140

My 3 year old Izzy loves it. He especially likes Grandpa's breakfast skills.

And next time in Austin, you should stay at the Hotel san Jose. next to Jo's. Across from the Continental. Down the hill from Guero's and a block from El Sol Y La Luna. It doesn't get any better than that. can you tell I'm an Austin expat?

Cheers!

[Chico]

Hi Megan,

My grandpa is 90 years old and my family is also passing through some hard days and nights. Now he´s back to his hometown and I drive for two hours to see him during the weekends.

Funny how I was coming back home listening to JM 21 and thinking about writing you guys a message saying nothing but 'thank you'...

Thanks a lot for a wonderful time on the road. And it doesn´t matter the fact that I don´t have any kids... :^)

Well.. I live in Brazil and I just thought it would be nice to make you and Leo know that people very far away from your own reality enjoy the work you both do with so much passion.

... talking about my grandpa... We decided not to take him to an hospice. We hired a nurse service and now he´s living with one of his own daughters.

We were told byt the doctors that he has left not more than a few months. So, we all believe that it´s a nice idea to provide him with all the love and affection from all the family.. including a lot of kids hanging around a big house in the country.

My best wishes to you, your family and Leo.