Last Tuesday at the Park

She is standing by the swings minding her own business. The sun reflects off her head of dirty blonde hair. Sometimes I recognize kids on the playground, sometimes I don't. I recognize her because of her spectacular smile and because she has Down Syndrome.

I've seen her with her mother at at the library, and once I saw her playing with her father near the fountain downtown. I remember exchanging a few words with her father, like people do who have kids the same age.  I've never spoken to her mother.

I watch my two year old son approach her. I'm wary of his recent behavior at the playground, but I hope for the best. He hits her on the arm, quickly. Both of my boys hit everyone lately. I know it's their way to get attention. They're saying, "Hey, I'd like to play with you." Unfortunately, no other kids speak that language.

"No hitting," I say, gently. I am not a stern person, even when the situation calls for it. I wish I could be sterner. He hits her again, so I grab him and pick him up and hold him. "That's not OK," I say. I look around for the girl's mother. I am the biggest playground tattle tale there is. Even when the mothers don't see what happened, I always tell them, "My son hit your child. I'm sorry."

Their response is nearly always some variation on, "He's two. He'll grow out of it." I then force my son to say he's sorry and when he does some moms even compliment him on his manners. They've read the same books I have: reinforce good behavior.

But this time I don't get a chance to apologize. When the girl's mother approaches I try to make eye contact with her. Is it my imagination that she avoids me on purpose?

Before I can say anything she picks up her daughter and looks at my son and says sharply, "You hit her. That's wrong. You hit her even after your mom told you to stop. You need to say you're sorry right now."

She is standing a foot away from me and I can feel her anger and so can her daughter.

"I'm sorry," the little girl says.

"You didn't do anything," the mom says to her daughter. "He needs to say he's sorry."

I'm not trying to make eye contact with this mother anymore. I look down. My son doesn't say anything.

We all stand there in silence. How does this woman even know that my two year old son is capable of saying he's sorry?

"I'm sorry," he finally says.

And they walk away. I'm still looking down, but my face is burning. I put my son down and he runs off to play. He's forgotten everything, but I haven't. I reach into my bag for my sunglasses. Only when I have them on do I start to cry.

Comments

[Patrick D.]

I have no idea how to respond to this. I suppose my dumb silence is probably the correct response.

Such a powerful narrative. And though my child is just six weeks old, I can so relate to the emotion behind the piece. nothing prepares you for the complete feeling of ineptitude that comes with this job. Or the guilt. And even knowing that other moms feel it doesn't make it any less s force in my life. Thank you for sharing this lovely, intimate piece.

[Colleen]

He's two. My youngest daughter is 2 1/2, and she just now got over trying to bite us when she's mad. What actually bothered me about this post was that another person thought she had the right to verbally discipline your son. He doesn't know her, and, as you said, why would she automatically assume he could even say "I'm sorry"? Your son is braver than my daughters. If some strange lady started going off on them, they would probably start crying. Well...maybe not my youngest. She'd probably tell her to "Go Away!" which is her new favorite phrase when she's annoyed. Don't let it bother you. He'll grow out of it.

[Tim]

I Find it amazing that the mother would go out of her way to discipline your son in such a way, I find that what you did afterwards is what most parents do in the situation, they either get mad or they cry. If I had a kid, I would cry too if someone disciplined my child forcefully in front of me. Very Poignant story.

[Stephanie]

It might not have been her place, but by reprimanding your son, she might have taught him more than you could have. I've realized that while my daughter listens to me, it's the times that other people have corrected her that she actually remembers. I actually encourage other mothers to correct my kid. I'm sorry you were embarrassed. She should have had a little more sensitivity (which is probably difficult with a child she feels needs more protection).

Wonderful story and one of the by-products of living in an educated city I am afraid. While I have no scientific evidence but I have found similar situations far more common in areas where the educational level is higher.

This has happened to me in Ann Arbor as well and I was completely dumbfounded. Had you done nothing, PERHAPS (and I really mean perhaps) the other mother could have mildly said that hitting was not okay, but I guess I have a strong libertarian streak to me when it comes to being a parent and I just feel utterly violated.

I truly agree with the comments left by Stephanie that the "message" will probably sink in; however, now we are telling children that it is perfectly acceptable to butt into the affairs of others and have one parent rudely interfere with another. I am not sure I want my boys to see that either as I find it repugnant.

As you stated, they are young kids! It is not as if you did not do anything. I saw this happen at Jungle Java an indoor playset on Sunday (fortunately not involving my perfect angels of sons *cough*). A newer parent had her two year old in the structure and an older boy (about 4) kept on hitting her and bumping her. I watch it. In his defense he was not "hitting her" he was just REALLY excited and was hugging her and bumped her when she went up and down. Well... this little boy's parents were no where to be found and so the mother said "please do not hit." Ok, fine. I can handle that. However, the little boy runs out and then over to his GRANDPARENTS and this mother starts to lay into the boy in front of the grandparents. HOLY COW! I thought I was going to experience parental carnage but the grandparents showed class and reprimanded their grandchild and then... said to the other mother. "While I appreciate you being concerned when we are not around, do not attempt to parent my grandchild... your actions are equally contemptible. WOW, and Amen!

My sis-in-law and I were watching this and we were saying... "all of this for little kids playing exuberantly."

[Kent Goldings]

I can't help thinking that the other mom overreacted. Although, it would have been cordial of you to insist that your child apologize. I don't think the other mom should have insisted upon it. Even then, she should have asked you to ask for the apology. There is a definite "chain-of-command." I've often had to intervene at the local park when my daughter threw sand at another child. Usually, I apologize to the other parent. They usually accept my admonishment as sufficient. It's sort of a "professional" courtesy. Of course, teaching kids courtesy is very ticklish.

[Megan]

Thanks to everyone for your kind and thoughtful comments. I certainly understand the mama bear instinct and I'm still not sure why this made me feel so sad.

[Kacy]

What makes me the maddest with that lady disciplining your son, how does she know that your son doesn't have a non physical alerting disability. What if he was Autistic or had a hearing problem. That mother was more in the wrong for making a scene than your son was for hitting the little girl. After the story I think he hit the wrong person. What does she teach her daughter... "Loose your temper and you'll get your way"

[The Liscinsky's]

Megan, I fully understand the frustration with someone thinking they can understand and reprimand your child better than you can. My wife and I were recently in a Sears store because our dishwasher broke and needed to be replaced. While we were looking at dishwashers, and getting info from an associate, our child was over in the mower section. Now we could see everything he was doing over there, and he was harming no one. A sales associate decided to take it upon herself to tell our child he did not need to be anywhere near their mowers. My saw and heard this, and went over and told the lady she had no right to correct our child, and if she had an issue she should have come to us instead. The associate stated that those mowers were out to be sold, not ridden upon. My wife got our son, and walked back over to me, mad over the whole thing. I excused my family from the sales associate that we were talking to about the dishwasher. I then proceeded to walk over to the associate that reprimanded our child, and reminded her that we were under no obligation to purchase the dishwasher here, and because of her actions, we were going to go elsewhere to spend our $400 to $700 dollars. She could explain to her co-worker why she just lost a sale, and her commission that went with it. We walked out of the store and went elsewhere to make our purchase.

I feel for what you had to go through. I'm not so sure my wife and I would have kept our cool in that situation.

[Anne]

Tough situation. I bet you and the other mom left the playground with the scene playing over and over in your mind wondering what else could've been done. If and when you run into each other, it will be a good encounter.

[Kevin and Max]

Jesus. He's 2. Hitting, biting, etc. Not behavior to condone, but really. This job ain't easy no matter what, and I expect it's no easier when your child has special needs. I don't know, but I'm afraid I'd have been a whole lot less pleasant.

I hope Anne is right re: next time you see them.

[Dale]

When I was in 8th grade, a girl kept hitting me because she liked me. Some take longer to grow out of it than others. But everyone does eventually, with the possible exception of football players, but they put on padding first.

If another child is hurting my kid, I look around for the parent to do something. If no parent is in sight, I'll gently reprimand the child, and that's usually sufficient. If the parent is around and not doing anything, then it's time to politely ask the parent to step in.

I understand that this mother in particular might be quick to defend a handicapped child, moreso than most parents, but I think she overstepped her calling.

[Melitsa]

What a stinging visit to the playground.
I hope the lady in question was having 'one of those days' we all have from time to time and her emotion was out of context of what she usually thinks is acceptable.

Part of me wants to believe that this is an isolated experience one of those things where your mouth and your brain have a long lag time. We've all seen this happen and perhaps wanted to do the same- discipline another child. What she did was inappropriate- that's part of the process of learning to be a better parent though is through your mistakes right?

The saddest thing for me is that the sting remains with us I think far more than the child- the intended recipient.

[KathMeistr]

Wow. Megan, that must have SO sucked.

Ditto to much of the above.

What galls me the most (of the several things about this story that gall me) is that as soon as your son said "I'm sorry", they (she) walked away, I assume without another word.

The whole POINT of saying "I'm sorry" is to get to reconciliation... to teach the hit-ee that once the hitt-er acknowledges being wrong, it's time to forgive.

I recall really hating when my mother TOLD me to apologize. I do it to my kids sometimes anyway... but more of the time I focus on teaching them to recognize their mistake, and ask for forgiveness.

The other mom isn't teaching her daughter much of use if she's only teaching her to be a victim. The real example to strive for is to teach her daughter to forgive (and be forgiven likewise when her daughter is the one making the mistake).

[RookieMom Whitney]

Those moments definitely sting. I hate arriving at preschool and being told that my son did not behave well during the day. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and worried for him that he was scolded and felt bad, even though I believe that ultimately it's best for all of us (me and his dad, him, the school) for them to establish these relationships and boundaries without me being the mediator.

I have also been on the other side of this situation where a child has hit or kicked mine and I couldn't help myself to say "no hitting!" to that other child.

Hope you're not dying of heat up there. Oh, and I "tag" you with this meme: http://blog.rookiemoms.com/eight-things-about-me-whitney/

[Jean]

This story made me sad too. My almost 2yr old is in the hitting/hair-pulling stage, and it really bothers me personally. Just the fact that one of our children hits, when that is not something they've learned at home, is embarrassing enough, at least for me.

But you not only addressed the issue, and continued to monitor and handle the situation, you made a point to acknowlege the problem by going to the mother. You didn't have to. Heaven knows I've seen enough parents who don't even have a clue what their children are doing. What you do is really brave and it's sending a message to your children.

I hope that, as others have stated, she was just having a rough day, maybe other children had been really unkind to her little girl. Because her actions imply that she wasn't even thinking that another child could have a disability of some kind. Not all impairments come with visible signs to clue in a stranger.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Maybe she'll realize the impact of her actions, and she'll be brave enough to apologize next time. I hope so.

[Ann]

Obviously I am sorry some random person caused you so much pain. But you not only did nothing wrong but were attempting to make a correction when necessary. You were not given such a chance. You can sleep with a clear conscience. I only wonder if this woman was just taking out on you some past injury that was done to her daughter and not attoned for. You were just a convenient scapegoat. I can only imagine, as I am sure you have as well, how many times her child has been hurt because of her condition. You have such a sensitive soul I know your tears where for both your son and that little girl. And her mom??

[SusieJ]

I'm so sorry --. How cruel to not only your son, but to you too. It's just too bad mother's can't support each other more -- and look at the whole thing as adults. You know, he's two, unpredictable, and still learning how to act in the world.

[Dale]

KathMeistr reminded me of something we've taught our kids. "I'm sorry" is always followed by, "You're forgiven." Yes, we force it, but if they don't seem sincere, we then sit down and talk with them about it to help them understand why the apology is important and why we want to forgive.

I'm glad you mentioned that, KathMeistr.

[woodenmask]

Wow. You can write!

[Irnbru]

OK maybe my problem is I over empathize with people but I do see both sides here.

That mother has had hardships with a down syndrome daughter (her dreams etc for her daughter) and her child is still young. She is very over protective of her child maybe, and knows that in life her child will get bullied and the child probably won't know how to react to it.
She might still have unresolved feelings re down syndrome or scared that her child isn't or can't stand up for herself and is trying to teach her its not OK.

I know with my nephew when he got 'picked upon' in the playground he never reacted and I got very overprotective and went to him in front of the bully and said that was wrong what the bully did. Maybe that wasn't right but when you have a child that is always being bullied (and not the aggressor) I think you understand (thankfully he is OK now).

Different people have different ways of coping with situations. I don't see anything wrong with an adult if their parent is there to point out bad behaviour to the child in a respectful tone especially if she thinks a parent hasn't disciplined their child for it.
She might have jumped the gun a bit but think of the child and all the times she has or will be picked upon.
Hopefully over time the mother might learn new coping strategies as she might be a new mother too.

I also don't think there was anything wrong in what you did and can understand your reaction (and I'm not saying your boy was bulling but just trying to see it from the other mother)

I just feel for that mother and what she is going through, knowing a few parents with down syndrome children.

[Erin]

How about "disciplining a stranger's child under those circumstances is NOT OKAY!!!" ? Sheesh. What is WRONG with people?!

Megan, I would have had the same reaction you did, right down to the crying. And then? I would have driven home and fumed for the rest of the night wondering why I couldn't bring myself to tell the woman how I really felt about her behavior.

Incredible. JUST incredible.

[Amanda]

I cannot find solid ground on the issue of disciplining other people's children. I experienced it once and was stunned to silence, but the memory still makes my blood boil.

I'm so sorry this happened.

[Jean1]

I've been reading this blog and felt I needed to de-cloak to comment on this post.
While I understand the need of some parents to protect the children who they feel might not be able to protect themselves...I really feel like this episode is not really about that for the mom.
She was "disciplining" you. She attacked you because she felt like you were not doing a good enough job dealing with the issue...which I have to say is wrong! You do not know the "back story" behind what happened all day with this parent, child and family. What you do know is that you took the brunt of whatever it is that has happened and you can give yourself permission to be a "release valve" for her pent up emotions and frustrations. Maybe this is an opportunity to approach her on another day and see if there's a way to make a friendship. I know that one of my very good friends who has a daughter with mental/physical delays says she feels often like she's being rejected by the parents of "normal" children and has to fight the emotions that come with that feeling.
Hope this is helpful. :)