Review: The Other Mother

I've been thinking about the so-called mommy wars (the rift between stay-at-home moms and working moms) since as far back as this post in 2004. The biggest change I've seen since then is how many other people are thinking about it.

There's no shortage of non-fiction books that feed the fires of the mommy wars, namely Caitlin Flanagan's To Hell With All That, Linda Hirschman's Get to Work, and Leslie Bennetts' The Feminine Mistake. And although I haven't read any of these books, I'm glad they exist, because I appreciate the dialogue that they've encouraged.

I also disagree with writers who argue that there are no mommy wars. As someone who works from home, I don't feel like I'm in a battle against mothers who take care of their children full time or mothers who work outside of the home full time. Instead, I experience a constant battle within myself about whether I've made the right choice. Ultimately, I feel like I've struck the best balance I can, but I imagine that I'm not the only person whose tumultuous feelings result in criticizing other people who've made other choices.

As I mentioned, I've read a lot about books about the mommy wars, but I've never actually read any of the books. The topic interests me, but I just don't read that much non-fiction. That's why I agreed to take part in MotherTalk's virtual book tour for Gwendolyn Gross', The Other Mother, a literary novel about the mommy wars.

The Other Mother is the fictionalized story of two neighbors: Thea, a stay-at-home mom, and Amanda, a full-time working mom. The narrative shifts back and forth between Thea and Amanda's points of view and Gross captures the emotions of these two women beautifully, especially the drastic differences in how they perceive the same encounters. Mothering exhausts Thea, but to Amanda she appears unflappable.

Thea and Amanda justify their own choices based on the choices that the other has made. "I never imagined working when they were so young," Thea says to Amanda. To which Amanda retorts,"I never imagined not working."

The characters in The Other Mother are much more developed and feel much more real to me than the working mother or stay-at-home mother stereotypes I often see in novels and films. I found it interesting that Gross chose to portray the the stay-at-home mom at her most vulnerable point (when all of her kids are almost in school) and the working mom at hers (when she has a newborn at home).

My only complaint about the book is that I wish the plot could have been a little more compelling, especially toward the end.

If you want to read more about the mommy wars, but you're not interested in spending your precious free time reading non-fiction, pick up a copy of The Other Mother, by Gwendolyn Gross.

The publisher of The Other Mother sent me two extra uncorrected proofs of the book to give away here. If you're interested in reading the book for yourself, post a comment below about your own experience with the mommy wars and I will choose two commenters at random tomorrow and contact you so I can send each of you a copy of the book.

UPDATE: I randomly picked Amy and ComputerGuyinGrandBlanc to receive the extra copies of the book. Thanks to everyone who left comments.

Comments

[Nikki]

My son just turned 4 on Tuesday. I'm not handling that well. In September, he will go back to his preschool but instead of 2 days a week like last year, it will be 5. It's not quite enough to say "sure, I'm going to jump back into working" but it is enough to say "you know, it's only another year before kindergarten, what am I supposed to do". I worked part time when I had him and it was a lucky situation. The job was in my neighborhood, I could leave to run home and pump (that was quicker than sitting down and nursing him unfortunately) and it was only 4 hour shifts 2 or 3 times a week. Even still, I hated being away from him. Then I had the bright idea to try home sales. All the things that were sold to me, being able to stay home, have my own income, putting my family first, they were all the things I wanted but were also the things I seldom saw for almost 2 years. I want to be home with my son and future children but it always comes back to "what will you do when he's not home" or "he's the only one you have". The truth is, I don't want to work, I've cried my eyes out when I've had to leave my son. It's so different when you are going out the door because you HAVE to instead of wanting too. If I want too and see that it's not really a good time, I can change my mind. I hate losing that choice. I had those thoughts of getting a job just so I could have some time with other adults again and found the MOMS Club instead. That was a lifesaver for me and my son. It was a way for him to be out with other kids, me with other mothers and I also had an opportunity to see if I was alone in my thinking. Out of 60 plus mothers, it was split pretty even. There's the group that works part time from home but they struggle with being able to focus solely on their job. Something that I too struggled with when working for myself. I either focused on making phone calls, paper work and orders and it seemed like nothing was done regarding the house and my son during the day or I focused on my son and the house and nothing was done with my business. It was very difficult to balance that. There are mothers who work part time outside of the home. They enjoy that but it's still a hassle going back and forth, trying to keep up with school schedules and so on. I didn't experience that but I did have to struggle with a nursing schedule, a few embarrassing moments and a slightly aggravated employer. There are some elated mothers who will start work the day their youngest sets foot on the school bus. I'm not one of them and I know I'm not alone.

When our MOMS Club split this Summer, the county paper did an article. Unfortunately, the angle was a little leading and sparked a minor debate on the paper's website. Quotes were written out to seem as though we were over-privileged and almost whiny at having to be "stuck home with our kids all day". We're all thankful that we have the chance to stay with our children and it's not something we take for granted.

[Megan]

Nikki-
Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. Isn't it funny how even the local papers want to play up the mommy wars?

Take care,
Megan

[Amy]

I taught 5th grade for 3 years before my daughter was born. The school year after she was born I started job sharing with another teacher, who was also the mom of one, teaching kindergarten. It was a great arrangement, she worked Mon. and Tues., I worked Thurs. and Fri, and we alternated Wednesdays by month. When I worked, my mom took care of my daughter. And it was great, except it always felt like I ought to be spending more time with my students and at the same time ought to spend more time with my daughter and on my house. 3 children later, 2 more for her and one more for me - all 3 boys, she decided to stay home full time. And as we needed the income, I went back to work full time. In some ways it is really nice working full time. I can finally just call myself a working mom and not guilt myself about having a less than perfect house as I simply no longer have time. However, while my mom still watches my son on Thurs. and Fri. (my daughter is in school full time)he has to go to daycare Mon-Wed so now I get all of the guilt that comes with feeling like someone else is having a larger part in his life than I have.
I understand both sides. I really wish Moms could just be more understanding of each other and realize that we all feel guilty about some part of our mothering and work lives whether or not we will admit it. No one is perfect, we all just have to do our best with what we have.

[Stephanie Stempinski]

When I first decided to stay home with my daughter, I remember watching an Oprah or Dr. Phil the "Mommy Wars." I was such a new mom with such strange thoughts running through my head that I didn't really even realize that the Mommy Wars existed until that point. I stayed home because I felt it was the best thing I could do for my child. Since I wasn't causing a financial hardship on my family, I figured women would be supportive and gracious when it came my new career as a full-time mother. All that I saw on that show were caustic women who didn't want anyone to have a choice - The SAHM's didn't understand why anyone would work when there was mothering to be done and the Working Mothers felt that the SAHM's judged them for wanting to work.

For the past three years, I have never once met one of those caustic women. I have met amazing, talented, educated women who work from home, who stay at home full-time and who work full-time. All of them have been supportive of my decision to raise my daughter in the way I see fit. Maybe I'm just socializing with people who realize that it's a choice - and it's an amazing time in the world when we have a choice. Maybe I'm just comfortable in my own decision and don't have to judge other people for their decisions. Whatever it is - I'm happy where I am now.

[Jennifer]

I feel like my friends and I spend more time trying not to war than actually battling over the issue. I taught art in public schools for 8 years before I had my son. I took a one year leave of absence but never really planed on going back. I recently resigned without returning to the classroom. Most of my friends are working moms. I've been extra careful to not judge or even sound judgmental about working moms, especially with my friends who still work outside the home. I truly believe that it's a decision for each of us to make for ourselves and our families. I don't think one plan is right for everyone. Staying home is harder in some ways and easier in others, and there are benefits for kids in both situations.

When someone says something to me casually about what my son might be missing by not going to daycare, I just smile and nod. It's not worth arguing over. I'm doing what's best for me and my family. And it's never one of my friends who points out that my son might be more outgoing if he went to daycare.

I've had to make friends with other stay-at-home moms to keep my sanity. It's not that my working mom friends weren't good enough; they rock. They're just not available during the day, and I'd go crazy without another adult to talk to every once in a while. Plus, that's how I get social interaction for the little man.

The big thing for me is to not get my feelings hurt when someone says something about my choice. They may not have the right to judge, and they may not even mean to criticize. It may be their way of trying to help...

I've been trying to figure out working from home; I can't get enough time to actually accomplish anything. I never intended on teaching for 8 years; I wanted to get a Ph. D. and become a professor. I stopped with a Master's degree and opted for a family. Now I'd like to start a career from home as an artist, but I can't find time to create. I think that work-from-home moms have it the hardest. It's so hard to balance it all, but I'd go crazy if I wasn't doing something.

[Jason]

My son just turned 4 and we are expecting our second in November. My wife works full time outside of the home. She would love to be able to stay home, but we can't afford it. Well, that's not exactly true, we could possibly afford it, but things would be stretched so tight that we wouldn't be doning much else besides living.

Her mother watches our son at her house 3 days/week and my mother watches him 2 days/week at our house. We are lucky that our parents live close enough are are willing and able to babysit. Things may be much different if we had to find a way to pay for daycare. (Honestly, I don't know how we could do it.)

When Jen went back to work after having Justin, it was hard on her, but she knew it had to be done. So she cried in the car on her way to work for the first few weeks. I'm sure she will when she goes back after the second too. However, before we started having children we had discussed whether she was going to go back to work.

I have a job that I love but if I thought I could find a better paying position in the area that we live in, I would switch jobs so she could stay home. In the same vein I think if she were the main breadwinner in our family that she would work so I could stay home as well. We're lucky in that we both have very flexible jobs and can take any time we need when we need it.

[ComputerGuyInGrandBlanc]

It's not just mommies.
I'm a dad of three. 1 year old boy, 3 year old girl, and 6 year old boy. When my first son was born I lost my job (company closed up) about the same time that my wife was going back to work from maternity leave. Neither of really wanted him going to daycare that young. I made quite a bit less than her at the time, I was going to be collecting some severance regardless, and I had just come into some inheritance. So I took off almost 3 years to be home with him.

It was the best time of my life. Some people seemed to love to see the daddy taking care of the baby. But at least half the people that I would talk to about it asked me when I was going to start looking for work, why I wasn't taking care of the family. And a few just felt it was weird for a guy to want to spend time with the kids at all.

When we burned through our savings I was able to find a decent part time job. Lots of demand for my work turned it into a full time job paying better than my wife's job.

I would trade my career in a second for the chance to spend all day with my kids again, taking care of the house and family. If I could afford it that is. But I know I'd feel a lot of criticism for not being the bread winner and advancing my career.

[Heather]

I need to read this book. I TRY not to judge other moms but the thing is that I can't understand ever feeling like going back to work full time when you have a new baby (or preschooler for that matter). I know staying home just isn't an option for a lot of moms but I just can't relate to the mom who goes back to work full-time and leaves her baby with a stranger when its not financially necessary. I would never say something to make them feel bad about their choice to work but deep down I honestly do feel that I am a better mom than the mom who has a choice and choses her career. Maybe if I read this book I will get a new perspective.
Heather