Sometimes You've Just Got to Lose at Candy Land

As many of you know, Marco is a teacher and also used to work for the Bay Area School Reform Collaborative. Ask him about elementary school testing and you might actually see smoke come out of his ears. Our discussions on this topic have been generally abstract. Up until now we've discussed the sad state of public education in the same arm's length way we've discussed the sad state of health care or the welfare system. We're generally healthy and we both have jobs.

Recently our discussions have become much less (excuse the pun) academic. In the Fall of 2008, Annabella will start kindergarten.

I've already been a part of many more kindergarten conversations than I'm interested in having since most of her preschool class will be going next year. My general thoughts on the subject are that pretty much any kindergarten in our town is just as good as any other. My biggest requirement is not good test scores, but whether or not the school is within walking distance from our house. On more than one occasion I've even said, "I don't care if the teachers just got out of jail, as long as I don't have to put three kids in the car every morning, I'll be happy."

As the wife of a teacher, I probably should choose my hyperbole's more carefully.

As it turns out, the question of where to send your child isn't the biggest issue these days, it's when. A recent article from the New York Times points out the increasing trend of waiting longer to send your child to kindergarten so that he or she (although mostly this is done with boys) is physically bigger or mentally better prepared.

"So parents wait an extra year in the hope that when their children enter school their age or maturity will shield them from social and emotional hurt. Elizabeth Levett Fortier, a kindergarten teacher in the George Peabody Elementary School in San Francisco, notices the impact on her incoming students. 'I’ve had children come into my classroom, and they’ve never even lost at Candy Land.'" 

I'm all for protecting my kids, but isn't it a little ridiculous to think that as a parent we can control things enough that they will avoid emotional hurt? And is a little emotional hurt really such a bad thing? Plus, who are those kids bigger and smarter than? The kids whose parents sent them to kindergarten when they were supposed to?

Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about. My kids birthdays are in April, which isn't close to the cut-off. If I had kids who were closer to that border I might think twice about sending them right after they turned five.

If you have access to The New York Times, you can read the full story here.

When did your child start kindergarten? Any regrets? Post below or send an e-mail to megan at twit dot tv if you feel like sharing.

Comments

[Leah]

This is a subject near to my heart. I am a student getting my teacher's certificate, but I am also a preschool teacher and a mom of an 8 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. My son will start kindergarten in the fall.

I have a huge problem with the trend to hold children back just so they will be older and bigger. I do not have a problem holding a child back if they honestly are not ready for kindergarten. One of my son's good friends from preschool is two months younger than he is, and is just not ready. He can't follow multi-part instructions, he can't sit still for more than a few minutes, and he still needs an afternoon nap. I have no doubt that he will need a little extra time to grow up before starting kindergarten.

However, too many parents hold their children back just because they aren't ready themselves to send the child, or just because everyone else is doing it. And for the parents who hold their sons back so they'll have an advantage in sports later, shame on you! That is just pathetic.

My daughter started when she turned 5, and had a hard adjustment. It took 10 weeks for her to quit crying when I dropped her off. I was surprised by how difficult it was, but I don't regret my decision. Life is hard sometimes. I wouldn't have done her any favors by taking her out of kindergarten. That would have taught her that when life is hard, mom and dad will make it all better. What happens someday when something really bad happens that I can't make better?

When my daughter loses at Candyland, she hates it. She's very competitive and the whole house shakes with her rage over losing. We are using that opportunity to teach her how to be a good loser.

Hard things happen in life, and while we all want to shelter our kids from those things, I don't think that's good parenting.

I am, of course, worried about my son starting kindergarten. He's my baby and very attached to me. I will be student teaching this fall, and he will also have to go to child care for the first time in his life after school. It would be so easy for all of us if I just postponed it a year. However, he's starting to read words, and enjoys being with his friends, and he needs to learn that other adults can take care of him. He needs to learn that lunch doesn't just magically appear when he tells mom he's hungry. He needs to learn to line up at the drinking fountain and wait his turn. He needs to learn that sometimes you lose at Candyland.

[John]

My oldest is an October birthday so we have the choice of sending him to kindergarten while he's still 4 or waiting. We chose to wait. My mom did the same thing with me (also 4) and I had no problem with it. Whether your child is ready or not has more to do with his/her individual personality. A little extra preschool seasoning will sometimes help. I have a very shy personality and my son seems to have inherited it. We felt the extra year in the excellent preschool we found will really help him.

As for size, I for one loved being the biggest kid in my class. I was never a bully. Again, this has more to do with parenting and personality than size - biggest bully in my elementary school was the smallest kid.

[John]

Oops...meant to say: My mom did the same with me (also an October birthday)

[Debbie]

I am a mom of twins and when it was time for my girls to go to school they were 5 years old but one was ready for school and the other was not. The school system we were in offered full day and half day. One went full day because she need it the other went half and it work out great for us. I was not going to hold one back because she was not ready and not meet the needs of the one who was. Also being twins I want them to be in the same grade. It was a great year for the full time child the half day child had a good time also because she was able to take a nap and also be home with Mom which she still needed.

[Sarah Lane]

I started kindergarten when I was four (October birthday). My children will start at three, and if all goes well, my grandchildren will start before they're actually outside the womb. The Lane genes need to be challenged, not marginalized.

[Al]

I started kindergarten at four(end of September birthday). Half day kindergarten at a Roman Catholic grade school and I don't remember any big problems in school.I'm middle aged so this was a long time ago and all the storys you hear about nuns are true. When I went to a public high school I was learning things we covered in grade school during my freshman year. I have no complaints about public school because I learned to take the more advanced classes as time went on. You could get a great education if you applied yourself or you could skate by learning nothing if that is what you wanted. Learning and reading was important in my family and my parents would never let me be a slacker. I still love to learn new stuff to this day. I have some relatives that are very smart but very protected during their lives. They don't really understand the way the world can be today and sometimes I think that is kind of dangerous for them. Although I do get quite a few laughs at their lack of knowledge about the real world. O the stories I could tell!

[Nikki]

Since I was born in October of 78, I was also 4 when I started kindergarten. At that time, the cutoff in our county was in December. I do remember there being 2 classmates that were held back. I know they were the youngest in the class but they struggled with a number of things so I don't think age was the issue for them. The cutoff these days is in September and it's a full day. This was part of why we sent our 3 year old to playschool this year. We sent him twice a week, 2.5 hours each day and this fall he's going 5 days a week, again 2.5 hours per day. My only regret is not sending him for the three day program this last year!

There are several moms at the playschool who are having to find another program to place their child in because of that birthday cutoff. These children have already been in a school environment and I have a feeling that when they are the older and bigger in the kindergarten class, it's going to be frustrating for them because they'll have already covered and learned the information that's being taught.

There are a lot of things I have issue with these days regarding parenting, schooling and how life has to be fair for them. I'm not saying that I want my kids or friends' childrens to be miserable but I think if they're all just handed everything and never learn that balance that they will be miserable when they are adults.

[Suzanne]

I have two boys, one with an April birthday, the other July.

There were huge differences between their entries into Kindergarten.

My older son was able to enter a Pre K program offered by our neighborhood elementary school. Our cut off date in that state was December 30th.

This class studied the kindergarten curriculum, just at a slower pace. By the second half of the year, emotional and behavioral issues that were not typical 4 year old angst began to emerge.

We were extremely fortunate for some redistricting that put him in a new elementary school for Kindergarten. The principal spent the majority of her career as the principal of the county's special education high school.

He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in the middle of Kindergarten. The Pre K year helped to establish that he was academically ahead (a hallmark of that disorder) but emotionally behind. His principal's experience in this area helped her to advocate on his behalf.

My younger son started kindergarten in a different state. He is a late July birthday in a state with an August 30th cutoff. This makes him one of the youngest students in his class. So far, he's held his own, but we wonder if we did him a disservice by not putting him in Pre K in our previous state.

He starts summer school tomorrow. We requested he attend. This was granted only because the administration knows us well due to our older son. I explained my fears that his minor academic issues this year would snowball if we didn't make the effort to reinforce his reading skills.

Would I do things differently, had I had a chance to do it again? Probably not.

I don't disparage those who decide to delay starting kindergarten. My brother had learning disabilities. In 1967, my mom put her foot down that he repeat kindergarten. It was the best choice for him.

In first grade, I had a classmate who wasn't able to keep pace with the rest of us. Oh, the teacher hid it well-we didn't know she would not be joining us in second grade. Her older brother was my classmate in second grade. She never seemed to have a problem with her classmates going on without her, but he did. He became well know as the problem student for the remainder of his school career, and unfortunately, the rest of his life.

For that reason, I think parents should make the decision that will benefit their child the most. If it means starting their child in school a year later, then more power to them,

As for the never losing at Candyland? That is a different issue entirely. Never losing is not the real world! Isn't our job as parents to raise our children to be successful once they get out on their own? Failure is a part of life, life isn't fair and no one's going to give you everything you want just because you want it.

My kids hate losing, hearing me say 'life isn't fair', and not getting every thing their hearts desire. I'm not doing my job if I let them call the shots.

To borrow from a movie, when my boys get downright obnoxious, we tell them that they're 'being Veruka', like the Willy Wonka character. That is the worst insult you could ever inflict on them-and it gets them back in line.

It'd be great if every parent asked 'what's going to make my child a success in life?' rather than do everything to save their feelings. Holding a child back may help create later success, but never allowing failures definitely won't.

[Ally]

This topic is one that hits home as my son just "graduated" from kindergarten last week. My son is a very bright, trilingual kid who is somewhat shy but also a perfectionist. This doesn't mean that he's a high performer, rather he tells himself that he is unable, and therefore is unwilling, to do tasks that he isn't good at or that take effort. This isn't an age issue, it's a personality thing and the fact that my son's local public school is pretty strict and has expectations far exceeding that of the California state kindergarten standards lead to a pretty stressful year.

Holding him back wouldn't have changed a thing and having tall parents, he would have stuck out physically had we tried to hold him back. Finally on the very last day, his teacher told me to look at his last report card. Looks like *they* are finally seeing results but that's because he's finally demonstrating something they can measure (nevermind that he loves zoology, astronomy, and talks about someday being a pilot). Lucky for him he was finally able to deliver, but I see it being a loooong road for him. 5 year olds haven't changed over the years, the expectations and the focus placed on scores is what has evolved.

[Unfit Mother]

My husband and I chose the opposite scenario for our oldest daughter born in December. We jumped through all the hoops mandated by the public school system and opted for early enrollment for Ivy. She had already completed two years of preschool and was beginning to read when we began the rigorous trials to enter Kindergarten before she turned five.

My husband's mother chose to keep him home an extra year (September birthday) and he resented it throughout grade school. I also have a December birthday and was always ahead in school and resented being one of the oldest in my class. Our two experiences combined with our daughter's precociousness, convinced us to push Ivy ahead.

Friday was her last day of Kindergarten in a full day language immersion program. Ivy is speaking Japanese like a native and although I miss her pre kindergarten innocence, I am convinced we made the right decision for our family.

I agree with some of the other comments; the decision needs to be made for each child. Our younger daughters have an October birthday and we may make the same decision for them. Because they are twins, it will be important to make sure they are BOTH ready academically, emotionally and mentally. If one is ready and not the other, we will wait.

[Michael]

My oldest is five but will not be starting until the fall. The main reason she didn't start was because she didn't turn five until October, when school was already in session.

She is VERY ready to start kindergarten!