The Temperament Specialist

Last month I mentioned that I had an appointment with a temperament specialist because of Milo and Huck's biting behaviors. Someone commented that I didn't say whether the temperament specialist gave me any practical advice to stop the biting.

The answer is yes and no. She gave me lots of what I can only assume is practical advice in the form of a ream of paper handouts on different aspects of my children's personality. "I'm giving you a lot of homework!" she laughed. Even as she was handing over this stack of trees I think she and I both knew that I was not going to sit down and read those pages.

First, I should probably explain how temperament specialists work.

·       You fill out a long survey about your child's behavior.

·       You fill out a long survey about your impressions of your child's behavior.

·       You send in the forms and wait for several months while you agonize about how you were so distracted by your children when you were filling out the surveys that your answers are probably going to cause some expert to diagnose your child as having ADD.

The appointment, when it finally came, was without the boys. It was based solely on my answers to these questions (measured on a scale with other people's answers to these questions.) I believe in the power of numbers, but it's a little disconcerting to have someone who's never met my children say all kinds of things about them. Some of these things were true --"Your children are highly spirited." Some of them were not true--"Your children bite and hit because someone is invading their personal space." Huck is most likely to hit a baby strapped in a car seat or any other child who is ignoring him. He's so used to having his brother and sister up in his grill, that he hits when someone is not.

I am not an expert in temperament parenting, and if you are please use the comment section or my e-mail to correct me. Temperament specialists believe that children are born a certain way and although there's nothing you can do to change that temperament, you can change the way you react to certain behaviors. If you want to know more, search Google for "temperament parenting." I'm not going to say that I totally buy into this, just like I don't totally buy into attachment parenting or sleep-training, or any of the other parenting techniques that are slightly patronizing and always designed by someone who has never met my children.

Here's the good news. Both the biting and the hitting have miraculously waned. It's been weeks since either of the boys bit anyone (besides each other). And their biting of each other is now limited to one or two nibbles a day (coupled with some eye poking and face pinching.) How did this happen? They just grew out of it. This has been the case for every parenting challenge I've had in the past 4 years. You'd think by now I would have learned to wait it out. But as in most things, isn't "this too shall pass" just about the hardest pill to swallow?

Comments

[RuthH]

"This too shall pass" is probably one of the greatest mantras you can learn as a woman, wife and mother. I started saying that when I first had arthritis at about your age. It passed from one spot to the other. Right now my back has it! But it's been 40 years.
I was a young mother, my second child would bite occassionaly, under extreme provocation. One reason I thought he did it was a speech imprediment, he couldn't get (or thought he couldn't) get the other child to understand to stop hittimg him. Not his sibling, but playmates who were really bullies. I have considered that probably your boys did not develop their speech early on, at least not one that others could understand. I suspect they can communicate better now, and they do out grow behaviors.
I wish I had learned to say "This too shall pass," when my children were very young. It took about ten years for me to learn that. On second thought, I guess that would have put me about the age you are now, maybe it's maturity.

[Jeannette]

Oh, do not be so hard on yourself. "This to shall pass" is also a part and portion of the gazillion times you said, "Do not bite!" or "Do not hit the baby" while you soothed the offendee.

Effective Parenting = Patience + Repetition
(even with teens! But patience becomes harder then.)

[J Maxfield]

Best use of "up in his grill" I've seen in quite some time. :)

[Irnbru]

I am so glad that they are finally growing out of it not just for their sakes but for your sanity!!
Just goes to show that 'experts' don't always have the answers and time cures all (well in this instance thankfully!)

Relax and enjoy it while you can - until the next thing comes along..eikes!

[niki]

I have a 4year old boy who is an "only" and exhibits very typical "only" actions. We used to fret (and sometimes still do) about his passive-aggressive behavior toward us and others. Then one day I just got sick and tired of the constant bickering and negotiating (that comes from my hippy parents) that every time he trantrumed, hit, pounded his fists on the table, used bad words or was about to get smothered in his sleep I’d just smile at him. He couldn't take it, he was like "what’s so funny?" and I'd just shake my head and keep smiling and tell him I love him. Made him so confused that he would smile on impulse, the situation would diffuse and the incidents have become few and far between.

Its right to let kids know that certain actions are wrong, like hitting or biting but its also wise to understand that even though we are humans we are still pact animals and have the tendency to show our affection and other feelings though physical touching, facial expressions and direct eye-contact. Boys are especially rough with showing affection especially to other boys and siblings but if there is more hugging and smiling than hitting then there is nothing to worry about.

[Nikki]

I agree, just another one of those "phases" that we have the joy of dealing with. I have siblings who are only 10 1/2 months apart and the two of them beat the living daylights out of each other! It was to the point child services was going to be called because the pediatrician was starting to doubt our claims of "they're hateful to each other". My brother was a biter, my sister was a pincher and they both liked to dig their nails into each other while gritting their teeth at each other. It usually happened when they were seriously ticked that they couldn't get their points across. The biting stopped when my mother had enough and chomped my brother backed (I hear the gasps around the world as that is being read) and the pinching they grew out of.

When I was working with preschoolers, we had one little boy who was a good size for his age. He was a good size for 3 going on 4 but was only 2. The director's solution to his being "rough" was to put him in with the 3 year olds. He wasn't rough just to be rough, he was just bigger. The day he went in with those older kids brought out a mean streak in him! He was frustrated, they were potty trained, could cut, color and say what they were thinking and he was still in diapers and not allowed to touch scissors. My take on the situation isn't that he or your kids have bad temperaments but that they're frustrated. Here are these older kids, coming and going without issue and here they are trying to keep up. I'd probably want to bite something too! It just takes a little time for them to get into the next stage where they'll find some other amazing tactic of making us feel inferior. Mine does it on a regular basis.

[Mike]

Though my children rarely bite each other, I often find that I'm compelled to bite them. My kids seem pretty confident that this will pass, but I still bite them as often as humanly possible. I haven't figured out what's causing this problem, but I plan to see my dentist next week, so we'll see.