In the Mommy Wars I'm Switzerland

I've been reading and thinking a lot lately about the so-called Mommy Wars. That's the name for the rift between mothers who work and mothers who stay at home with their children.

As a mother who works at home, I've decided I'm Switzerland.

I actually started working from home less than one month after Annabella was born. It was a matter of economics. My maternity leave pay was about to run out and I was offered the job of editing a book. If I didn't take the job then, they were going to give it to someone else.

Although I only worked at most 2 hours a day and it was all done during Annabella's naptime, it was way too soon to start working again. If I had to do it over again, I would have refused the project.

Three months after Annabella was born I returned to work full-time, but not to my former job. You probably know the story. I was unwilling to commute to San Francisco full-time, and my employers were unwilling to allow me to work part-time. I took another job at the same company, but that didn't work out either. As a parent, the two-hour commute was torture. The job was one I'd done three years before and even getting to work two days a week at home didn't make such a demotion worth it.

Since October, I've been a freelance tech writer and editor working from home. But I don't want to misrepresent myself as some kind of supermom. We still pay for the care that we had arranged for Annabella when I was going into the office three days a week.

I suspect that in the Mommy Wars neither side would want to call me one of their own, which is fine with me. I remain neutral not only because I don't belong on either side, but also because I don't think there should be any sides. For every study that says that children in daycare are more aggressive, there is an equally respected study that says that the children of women who work outside of the home are more content.

Personally, I feel like I am a better mother because I don't spend every waking hour with Annabella. I also feel proud of my decision to give up my former career in order to spend more time with my daughter.

But these are my decisions and you may have made different ones. And although I happen to have a very strong work ethic and I've worked very hard to be able to sustain a career as a freelancer (at least this month), I know that I have had a lot of lucky breaks in my life that have allowed me to be in the position to make this decision in the first place.

Whatever decision a mother chooses to make or is forced to make, if she finds a way to make peace with that decision, I think she's less likely to take issue with someone else's.

Since November

Here's a slideshow of various pictures we've taken since November that you may not have seen yet.

The bulk of the photos are of our recent visit from Annabella's great grandfather, Harold Wells. I don't know if you can tell from the photographs, but he's one of the kindest men on earth.

Click the photo below to view the slideshow. It may take a few seconds to load.

Several of you have asked that I include the name of the song and where you can find it. This one is "I Was Born" sung by Natalie Merchant. You can find it on the Billy Bragg and Wilco album, Mermaid Avenue Vol. II.

Big Belly

Annabella has an enormous belly. It is round and beautiful and she has recently developed an endearing habit of patting it when she is happy. Why not? It is right there where her hands naturally fall and it makes a satisfying slapping sound.

I would tell you that Annabella is fat, if I weren't afraid of getting kicked out of the "mother of the year" competition. But, let's face it. She's fat. She's not fat in an "at risk for heart disease" way. She's fat and healthy. The doctor says so. And we all know that doctors know everything (particularly if they tell you what you want to hear.)

Still, at the gym yesterday I looked around and suddenly had the revelation that because Annabella is a girl, American, white, and living the 21st century, there is a very good chance that she will expend a lot of energy worrying about her weight. She will do this for the rest of her life. This revelation made me sadder than I think I could explain to you here.

I want Annabella to be kind. I want her to be smart. I want her to be brave. But I think most of all I want her to be comfortable in her own skin.

Nursery/Home Office

This month's RealSimple magazine cover story is all about making do with small spaces. If you're running short of rooms in your house (and who isn't) they suggest creating a combination nursery/home office.

Are you kidding me?

Anyone who has ever worked at home with a child knows that the majority of the time you spend working is when your baby is napping or after she's gone to sleep. And although you might have a few early months of bliss when your baby will sleep anywhere, even with you tapping away at the keyboard or talking on the phone in your home office/nursery, these months pass all too quickly.

Working at home with a child is a luxury, yes. But it is also presents great challenges, challenges that change as your baby changes. It takes patience, flexibility, willingness to work in the middle of the night, and help. A lot of help. It also takes an office that is not in the baby's nursery.

I guess when some people talk about a "home office" they don't necessarily mean a place where you'd work 40 hours a week. They just mean a place to pay the bills for an hour on a Saturday. In which case, a nursery/office might work for them.

Not only is this RealSimple nursery/home office simply not realistic, it is also not child-proofed. The photographs of the finished nursery/office include an exposed wall outlet easily accesible to any baby who can roll over or crawl. Didn't a single person look at that photograph and think outlet covers?

I know that many people don't have the luxury of separate rooms for an office and a nursery. In our two bedroom house, my office occupies a small section of the living room, where all the outlets are covered or in use.

Swinger

Click image to view video.

running time: 1 minute 35 seconds

Special thanks to my Canon ZR60 digital video camera, Wilco, and the swing at Walnut Park.

Books for Babies

Here is a peek into Annabella's library.

book	Peek-a-Boo - There is nothing more fascinating to a baby than the faces of other babies. Every page of this book always makes Annabella smile, even the page with the picture of the baby crying. Baby schadenfreude?
Brown Bear and Polar Bear - The first in this series by Eric Carle, Brown Bear, pales in comparison to the sequel, Polar Bear, but only if you know how to speak in the voices of many different animals. Thankfully, I do.
	The Lorax - A classic I remember from my own childhood, when you could still find brown bar-ba-loots in the wild. I'm glad I have a baby to be reminded of lines like these: "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothings going to get better. It's not."
My Many Colored Days - Teach your child about colors, depression, and massive mood swings with one single board book. Now that's multitasking.
	Goodnight Moon - This was Annabella's first book. We read it every night. I've also made up a few extra things to say goodnight to. For example ("Goodnight crib. Goodnight bib. Goodnight poster of Andy Gibb.
Carl's Afternoon in the Park - This book makes me wish we had a dog, especially a dog you could trust to babysit your child while you went out for tea.
	Are You My Mother? - I remember this was one of the first books I checked out of the library with my very own library card. I wonder why the companion book, "Are You My Father?" still isn't around?
Bed Bed Bed - This book and companion CD by "They Might be Giants" always makes Annabella smile and dance. In fact, Annabella likes all the music by "They Might Be Giants," even their song that's all about beer.
	Does a Kangaroo Have a Mother Too? - This is another great book by Eric Carle. And in case you're curious, a monkey does have a mother too. Just like me and you.
Are You a Ladybug? - The question of whether or not one is a ladybug can be a confusing one, especially for a child. This book can help.
	Time for Bed - You can only read "Goodnight Moon" so many times before you'll start inventing extra verses about the Bee Gees. This is a good alternative.
Hug - Monkeys, hugs, what more could you ask for? Or rather, what more could I ask for? I actually think that the star of this book is a gorilla, which means he's an ape, not a monkey. I'm fine with that.
	Chrysanthemum - This book is an anthem for little girls with long names everywhere.
The Foot Book - Not nearly as gross as the title sounds.
	Mimi's Toes - Mimi is a monkey. Need I say more? Also, this book was meant for the bath, which means it holds up to drool and chewing. Let's just say this list was a lot longer before Annabella started teething.
There's a Wocket in My Pocket - This Dr. Seuss book is great, but it does make me think that we'd all be better poets and songwriters if we were as comfortable making up words as Dr. Seuss is.
	Good Night Gorilla - If you've ever wondered what to do if you woke up with a gorilla in your bed, this is the book for you.

How To Eat a Sweet Potato

Yes, all of my recent dispatches have concerned food. At least this one is musical.

Click here to view a short film of Annabella's dinner time.

This project was made possible by the video feature on my Canon PowerShot S110 digital still camera, iMovie, and Billy Joel.