In the Mommy Wars I'm Switzerland

I've been reading and thinking a lot lately about the so-called Mommy Wars. That's the name for the rift between mothers who work and mothers who stay at home with their children.

As a mother who works at home, I've decided I'm Switzerland.

I actually started working from home less than one month after Annabella was born. It was a matter of economics. My maternity leave pay was about to run out and I was offered the job of editing a book. If I didn't take the job then, they were going to give it to someone else.

Although I only worked at most 2 hours a day and it was all done during Annabella's naptime, it was way too soon to start working again. If I had to do it over again, I would have refused the project.

Three months after Annabella was born I returned to work full-time, but not to my former job. You probably know the story. I was unwilling to commute to San Francisco full-time, and my employers were unwilling to allow me to work part-time. I took another job at the same company, but that didn't work out either. As a parent, the two-hour commute was torture. The job was one I'd done three years before and even getting to work two days a week at home didn't make such a demotion worth it.

Since October, I've been a freelance tech writer and editor working from home. But I don't want to misrepresent myself as some kind of supermom. We still pay for the care that we had arranged for Annabella when I was going into the office three days a week.

I suspect that in the Mommy Wars neither side would want to call me one of their own, which is fine with me. I remain neutral not only because I don't belong on either side, but also because I don't think there should be any sides. For every study that says that children in daycare are more aggressive, there is an equally respected study that says that the children of women who work outside of the home are more content.

Personally, I feel like I am a better mother because I don't spend every waking hour with Annabella. I also feel proud of my decision to give up my former career in order to spend more time with my daughter.

But these are my decisions and you may have made different ones. And although I happen to have a very strong work ethic and I've worked very hard to be able to sustain a career as a freelancer (at least this month), I know that I have had a lot of lucky breaks in my life that have allowed me to be in the position to make this decision in the first place.

Whatever decision a mother chooses to make or is forced to make, if she finds a way to make peace with that decision, I think she's less likely to take issue with someone else's.

Comments

[Kyle]

Sounds like you've worked out a pretty good balance. Leanne was faced with the same dilemma, but she had the added bonus of her job offering departure packages in prep for laying people off anyhow. She opted to take it, so she's a sahm now with a former boss who also took the buy-out package and is doing contract work. He's dying to get her working for him but she's waiting still. Naomi is almost 8 months now.

I guess we also get a year's paternaty leave in canada too, so that helps...

[Jennifer]

I totally agree. I am in a similar position with my daughter. I am at peace with my decision as all mothers would ideally be. I still work some, mostly contract, but most of my time is with Lauren. I am not away from her very often. I like that. Ironically, before I had the opportunity to stay home with her, I was an assistant director at a daycare. I went back to work when she was just shy of two months old. I had NO maternity leave available. I started contract working about the same time. After four months of doing both jobs, we decided I could afford to stay home if I continued to contract, therefore I did. Don't think it was a decision made lightly. I thought at length about the effect my leaving would have on the children I had been with day in and day out for three years. Then I looked at Lauren. I knew staying home was right for me. I am glad you are happy with your decision as well. Feel free to check out my blog.

[Nikki]

I believe if you talked to enough mothers you would find that there are many that feel just as you. It doesnt' help matters any that more and more employers are pushing for mothers to come back to work ASAP. That six weeks isn't just an excuse for a vacation! :) I tried the "Supermom" route myself and found that it just wasn't worth it. I work 4 to 8 hours a week right in my neighborhood. I put my Tupperware and Mary Kay businesses on hold. They'll be there when I'm ready, my baby will only be a baby for so long. And, as far as the studies go, I worked in a day care long enough to know that it has nothing to do with the parent working. It has to do with what the parent does with the child in the time they are together.

[Kacy]

Aren't all loving & giving mothers "supermom"? I am faced the not much of a choice, we need a two income household; but the joy I have, is while I am at work, my husband is home and vs. versa. This wasn't always the case; up until recently my husband was on the same shift,but I have been blessed with "supergrandma" my parents were able to watch her for the first sixteen months of her life, and even now over the last two months work on a on call basis....If i had the choice I would be with my daughter 24/7....but if I can't who better than her dad and my parents!

[Debbie]

If I had the opportunity to stay home fulltime I would. As it is I was able to cut back to one or two days a week. I also have the blessing of being able to take my daughter to her Auntie 's house to play with her cousin and grandfather on the days I work. You have it right Megan, if we make peace with our situation we don't need to be defensive with others in a different one.

[Adam(Rockmanac)]

Still think that TechTV isn't the same w/out you, but hey, you had to do waht you had to do!

[Space Monkey]

For whatever reason your role strikes me more as that of an arms dealer selling weapons to both sides.

But I can't find any logic to support such a statement. Maybe that's because it's 4:20am.

[Dale]

Perhaps there is some resentment built-up and leading to the Mommy Wars, but it seems it would stem from frustration and the inability to change to a favorable situation. A change that is advantageous economically and parentally responsible for the child's welfare. As long as the mother and/or father has the opportunity for a balanced and thoughtful choice, there is a chance to make peace with any decision made. The heck with stereotypes.

When do we get links to some of these freelance ventures?
(wink-wink, nudge-nudge)

[treyzmom]

I've been a SAHM since my oldest child was born about 2 1/2 years ago. I can't say that every day is a picnic, but I know I've made the right choice...for myself and my family. (I can't make that choice for anyone else! :) )

It seems to me that you are doing the same for you and your family. Annabella looks like a happy, wonderful little girl and you and your husband look every bit the proud, devoted parents! Good for you! I hope you are allowed to keep this delicate balance of work and parenting for as long as you need to!

[Jane]

Amen Sister! I don't belong to one side or the other either. And it's obvious that you are a very good mother...

[Sarah]

My family is ALSO in a situation to where we MUST have 2 incomes.... the 2 ways about it... here in Northern CA, for us atleast it is a MUST... yet i have had COUNTLESS mothers ( and some people who have never been AROUND babies...) critsize me for having a full time day job... and only getting a few hours a day with Parker... all i can tell them is... SHOVE IT! would they rather that he not have food or diapers or even a roof over his head?! UG! I could go on and on about it... but like i told 1 little old lady that told me i was a terrible mother for " not bothering to care for my own child, rather paying someone to do it" its MY life... MY child... butt out!

LOL

[Brooks]

Uh... Whatabout us SAHD's? Well, I'm a part time stay at home dad anyway. I own a small business and my wife is a elementary school teacher. When she gets home from school, I go to my studio. It's been tons of fun bonding with our Lily http://ayola.com/lily and Although it would be nice if I made enough to support all of us, I think it's working just fine. After the summer, we'll be starting part time daycare so we can both get some work done and Lily will be almost two then. I think it will be good for her to have more interaction with new friends instead of staying home with Daddy all day.

[Kirk]

It struck me recently the struggle in life between those who need to have things stay the same and those who see change as inevitable, welcome it and try to make the best of it. I’ve realized this in topics from gay marriage to working moms to teaching evolution in schools to peace in the Middle East. Some believe that the world is supposed to be a certain way and any change is an attack and call for war. Those who believe differently from them or live their lives differently are the enemy. The very existence in the world of people who are different somehow is a threat to their self, their sense of who the are. Many adhere to traditional roles not because they produce the best results but because they are a basic moral belief they hold to.

Why does a working mother care what a stay at home mother does? How does it impact her and her family’s life? Why are all working mothers on one team and all stay at homes on another? So often the easiest simplification of an issue is to put things into groups based on a single characteristic and ignore the dissimilarities within the group. Why even look at most problems as a competition between two sides? Look at the situation and act according to what is best for you and those you care about.

I think you have the right idea, Megan. Viva la Suisse!

[Harrakis]

My wife wants to follow in your foot steps. Long live the SWISS!!

[ginabad]

First, I'm just where you stand, I'm Swiss too! I'm self-employed, working and marketing at nights, weekends, naptime, and when the VERY unreliable sitter relieves me 12 hours a week. We only sort of need my piddling income, but it gives me identity and purpose, beyond being Amelia's Mom.

Second, you went to work after ONE MONTH??? My sympathies....

[Karen]

My sister-in-law once told me that she didn't understand why my husband and I were adopting "to have someone else take care of the baby," implying that I wouldn't be a good mother. What really baked my potato was that she was five months pregnant and on her 5th cigarette for the day.

[Molly]

My sister-in-law works at home most of the time, but she takes my niece to day care three days a week for about a couple of hours while she meets with her clients. She works at home as a graphic designer and both she and my brother take their time to watch my niece. I think my sister-in-law's Swiss too. She's a working mom who stays at home most of the time.

[Tharn]

The fact that a loving parent is in the home during a childs formative years can only be a good thing. Note I said parent because I believe that good parenting is not gender specific.

[john]

I am the daddy of two orange kitties.

[Chris Hansen]

Brooke has my vote - I stay at home while my wife works in the morning and then I go to work around 1:00 pm. It helps to work from home, but more important is that my son gets 'Daddy' time and 'Mommy' time. I wouldn't give it up for the world.

[Mary]

I find that being a mom who works part time is almost the worst ... SAHM's assume that being a SAHM isn't fulfilling enough for me,and that's the reason I work. Mothers who work full time don't think working 16-18 hours a week is really work. I don't work because I want to, I work because I have to. I'd be perfectly happy if someone payed me to stay at home and take care of my kids .... ;)

[drea]

because i bought the book, i feel that i am somehow supporting annabelle. hooray!

[Nick S]

Mothers Rule!

[Chris]

Now that's what I call "having your head on straight".

[Andy]

Megan you are definately missed. Nothing against Sarah and Jessica but you were always my favorite geeky girl on TSS. But with a daughter as cute as Annabella, I do not blame you one bit for changing your life for her. Hope all is well is the scary freelance world for you. It can be rough.